Posted by This week has been a long one. I really missed my son. I have had more nightmares than usual. Sometimes I can shake them off and fall back asleep. Then there are times I am wide awake for hours until sleep comes to me. I try to remember that I am in safe place where his words can’t hurt me. My family has really been patient with me. Especially during the times I want to emotionally give up. Normally I have some witty comeback when I felt hurt inside. Other times I want to cry and hide away in a room. It will be 3 weeks since my son went to visit his dad. People try to reassure me that he will love him and keep him safe. Than I wonder what about me? Why did I do to not get this love I shared with my son. I tell people ask me about our relationship that my only thing I did wrong was to be loyal to him. Towards the end I began to realize no matter how hard I cleaned the laundry he never said thank you. I never appreciated me for moving away from my family. What hurt the most was he kept saying it was my job. If I didn’t like it I could go out and work. He made it sound like he could do a better job. I finally had enough of the hurtful jokes about my family. Plus I couldn’t wake up another morning wondering if this was it. I tried so hard til the end. The day he told me that I would have to get a part-time job so he could go back to school. I remember feeling so numb. I said sure no problem. In my heart I knew that it was not going to work. My son still needed me and his father was busy with work and I did most of the parenting. That was when I talked with my mom to discuss my options. Yes I was the one that left, but after all that laundry and no appreciation I just couldn’t keep going down that road. My son looks at me as if I was a superhero. I cleaned dishes and the floor before 9 pm each night and snuggled on the couch til he fell asleep. Than I would put him in bed and put away folded laundry before his father came home. I was usually in bed with a book or my journal. Than fast asleep til I heard my son through the baby monitor announcing a new day. Yes at night these memories comeback to me. The good, bad, and ugly ones all rolled up in my dreams.
