Day 4 of NaBloPoMo: That free feeling.

Cabo Home
Cabo Home (Photo credit: FreeCat)

 

I have forgotten what it is like to be cared for.  It seems I am the one that cares for everyone.  I am trying not to feel guilty when I wonder, “What about me?”  When we moved my son’s father wanted all his stuff to be unpacked first.  His reason was because he would be going out and needed things ready for him.  For 3 years I made sure that all his needs were met professionally and personally.  I once started challenging him asking why did he have to spend so much money on things.  Don’t get me wrong I was grateful to get things.  As my mom likes to remind me… “You’re the kind of person we begged to tell us what you want.”  So now when my feelings get hurt or when I need space I say something.  If I hurt someone else I would apologize once I had calmed down.  One of the hardest things was not to get affection.  If I didn’t wash something correctly I would be woken from my sleep and sent to the kitchen to do it again.  If clothes were not folded correctly I had to do it over til it was done right.  Perish the thought if I mixed things into different drawers.  I remember going to bed crying because I felt worthless because things were done wrong.  My self-esteem that I fought so hard to build was shattered to pieces.  I think the thing that broke the camels back was when he made fun of my mother.  Now my family is very well-known in our community.  My mom worked hard to make sure children with special needs were heard.  My dad he looked out for the elderly and disabled.  I didn’t come from a wealthy family.  We all fought and worked hard for our dollar.  I was dealing with racism when I was in junior high from the very people you would never think of.  Yes I have a free feeling that I can finally break my silence.  I am not in anyone’s shadow anymore.  I can finally raise my head high and say I am a person.

 

 

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