of Molly

Note: This is going to really blast the mask off me. I am going to be sharing things I have not even thought of. For those of you who might have ADD and have impulsive speaking of anything and everything you might understand why I am writing this Note. So buckle up here are many things at once. Feel free to comment and leave any feedback. Its not an ego thing. I just really would like to honestly know what anybody thinks.

This maybe goodbye for a while. I am not sure yet. I do know that my June 1 I will have deleted my Facebook profile. Some may call my blogging/social media use an addiction. I especially hate that term that it is being used on me. I hate that I have to sacrifice so much just to make an ends meet. I do not know if I will ever publish this particular entry, but if I do than at least I can say why it happened and not just disappear into the internet sphere. I made a mistake and entered the cyber world several years ago. I admit it! I have not touched Zwinky, IMFVU (or whatever it is called that is the avatar 3D version). I literally came up with an alias just so I can be my own person, Sara Daricha. Many people have sympathized with me the last few months when the custody change occurred (there I said it aloud). It broke my heart to so many pieces. I felt like I was ripped out of my son’s life forever. It has taken me several months to just be able to get out of bed and not give into the depression. I had to become my own person again. The worst part was that I did not even know who I was in the first place. Am I the daughter of a preacher? Am I an immigrant who grew up in the States for most of her life? I was not even accepted by my peers for so long. I stand in a corner because I do not want to be seen for my past shame. It does not help that I have memory issues when at one time I was a trivial pursuit whiz kid. Maybe I even have too high expectations of myself being a motivational/inspirational speaker. I do not know. I do know this. I am a Generation X personified and I have to start from scratch literally. The sad thing is I still have so much to share and want to tell. I do not want to be in the corner anymore with my head down. I want to stand up and say something. Is that so wrong? Obviously it is. Sure, I edit myself constantly in case I offend someone or might have an impulsive moment saying something without thinking. That is my ADD dang it! I do not use it as a crutch. Not at all, in fact I use it as a badge to say yeah I have it… but guess what I have to use my powers for good and not evil. What if someone out there is having the same issues I had? What if someone made that mistake meeting someone and not asking questions first? If I had made a stand a long time ago and was not afraid to ask “him” about things that I felt were important. This is not me saying I will never meet someone. Heck, the chances of any guy wanting to go out with me would be slim to none. I am not even at the stage that I can trust anyone right now. I was hurt by someone I thought cared about me. If he cared, he would not have walked out the door without saying goodbye. He would have let me sleep in and took care of the baby when he woke up in the middle of the night. He would not have woken me up in the middle of a deep sleep because the dishes were not cleaned right in the dishwasher. Throwing a pencil or pen at me when I could not write out the feeding journal correctly. Do not tell me it was my fault because I did not say anything. I did not say anything because I was tired and scared. Telling me that if our son did not take his formula correctly and gain weight it would be my fault. I heard that if I did not wipe him right CPS would come and take him away… that would be my fault. I did it all for so long. I lived in fear of doing anything wrong. I went to doctor’s appointments and pregnancy classes all by myself because he was too tired from work or did not have time for it. I envied all the women who had someone there to help them with their lessons. When I had ultrasounds, my mother took me just so I did not have to take a bus to and from my apartment. I have kept my mouth shut for so long and what has it gotten me… nightmares in the middle of the night and a mental breakdown from all the anxiety. So if I am going down might as well do it swinging.