One Person’s Insecurity
Why is it as humans we find ourselves feeling insecure? I mean for example I cannot take a picture of myself with my phone and not feel uncomfortable about how my eyes seem to squint in a way that I look like a cackling witch (that is just my opinion of course). Insecurity really weighs in (no pun intended) on our outer bodies. We can’t look at ourselves in the mirror without wishing certain parts of our bodies were even in just the right places. Take me for example… I have lived my entire life with a slender stick figure body and felt the pain of teasing in every single way one can imagine. After I had my beautiful son, I was told that my body would either gain weight or go back to the slender look. Trust me readers I was happy to have a few extra layers on my once frail body. I have lived my life under the scrutiny of people who look at my mother and then myself and wonder where the metabolism was in the picture. A the same year I met my son’s father I went to my family doctor to find out I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. By that time in my life I was like, “No kidding what else can you tell me doc.” Here was the cool part… he said that it was not the normal ED… mine was stress related. When I was busy doing an activity I would go ahead and miss a meal. “Hallelujah! He has a point!” I thought in my head. So every once and a while that crosses my mind. During
this trip, I have heard so many times (without skipping a beat) do not worry. Well I cannot tell how long ago it was… but the scale seems to remember… but my body seemed to add some curves to it. Get this… I was around 125 pounds. I have never (even in my pregnancy) been over 115 pounds. Yes readers I was a very slender person. I was so happy to earn my stripes (as I like to call my stretch marks) during pregnancy. It was not until after my divorce that the scale showed my new stress weight. I would joke with people that it took a 4-year relationship and one child to get my body to get on track. Now I am hearing the next step in my weight process… “Molly you need to exercise more.” Well I can take that a few times… than I heard something I did not think would ever describe me… “You have a tire around your waist.” I am the kind of person who would think that was pretty cool. I even played with the double lips (as I would like to call them). I was so happy this week when I realized that a pair of jeans I got in my early 30s for a birthday gift. NYMJ (Not Your Mom’s Jeans). Not only did they fit… they have tummy tuck in them. I saw this and felt that I had arrived to my mid 30s! I try to wear them when I need that extra boost of confidence (or my other jeans just don’t seem to want to stay on). Yes, readers I have what they call a fluctuating weight gain. It can be here today, gone tomorrow, and back the next week. It is my circle of life in my health terms.
So if you have a story that might match mine why don’t you drop me a note via Twitter. I would love to hear from others who might understand what I mean. I was inspired to write this post from listening to Beth Moore’s “Goodbye Insecurity” on CD. It was amazing! Those seven discs have given me a new look when it comes to looking on the outside in. So thank you Beth once again (check out my Twitter timeline for my shout out to Beth). You have given this girl a lot to think about.