To my sister! Love you more than ever.

New angel in heaven.

There is a new angel in heaven today and I am sure she is basking in the sunlight of His love. She is going to be well missed down here on earth, but knowing her she will be keeping an eye on the rest of us from her home up high. When I got the call today my heart dropped. How could this be that my big sister was gone? Than after some breakfast and coffee I started to feel a little emotion again. I started to remember the good times that we spent. Our first meeting in college would have been random if it hadn’t been for our instructor Wendy. I remember we used to enjoy our drive thru lunches at Taco Time and spending them talking over the days lessons. Since we were both very slender we would enjoy our Chocolate Boosts and try to figure out the classroom politics of our program. We learned about learning disorders and how we could help the children in our area. When we had our kids (several years apart) we promised to be aunts to them. My first thought today was I wouldn’t have been alive if it hadn’t been for her. She made the call to the police for a health check when I needed it the most. When I was pregnant she explained all the symptoms and reminded me to take care of myself. Through heartburn and excruciating pain she was my shoulder to cry on from a long distance. Sis you are going to be missed by so many people especially your family and close friends. I hope you remember to save a place for me near the pearly gates. Yes heaven got a new angel today. God bless you TC and give Him a hug for me. Now my son does have a guardian angel watching him and I will have a relief knowing she is watching me too. Rest in Peace Auntie Tina!

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I don’t know when it started happening. I don’t even know what it is. I stopped caring about my looks. Little things began irritating me. I got tired of people saying that I was not ready for the future. The thought of being on my own intrigued me… but it also scared me. I began to feel insecure and envious of others. What will you do after you leave? What do you have planned for your future? I don’t have any plans because it hasn’t been discussed. I wish I could have a therapist or counselor who can talk me through all of this. Talk me through my feelings. I look at pictures of my son and cry inside. It is your fault you are missing out on his life. That thought goes through my head continuously.

Someday I want to write to Dr. Amen and ask him what he would advise for a person like me. I have embraced my ADD and learned to deal with my emotional breakdowns. What else is there for me to do? I am told that I am at the peak of my life. What does that mean? I have been labeled a late bloomer and that things happen later for me. Why can’t I just be normal for a change? Just blogging helps with my Social Anxiety Disorder. You wouldn’t imagine that a person like me would be afraid to socialize with anyone. It is true though. The thought of meet and greet time at church makes me squirm. I would rather sit in a corner listen to the sermon and then sneak out before anyone notices. The Depression reminds me that I am not loved. Isn’t that a ridiculous notion?

I have even decided to give “S” a name… it will be “Sam.” I would rather call him Sam because that is a nicer name than “S.” Sam was the only guy who could stand up to my parents per say. When he first met my mom he pretty much declared his intentions to have a future with me. Before him I had crushes on guys who just didn’t seem interested. This would bring my self-confidence down several points. We both enjoyed movies, music, and books. I thought I had found my soul mate. After waiting years to be wanted I got my wish. I never saw a man in uniform… he was just a guy who enjoyed my company. He lavished me with attention. He didn’t care about the racial difference he just fell for me just the way I was. It was amazing! Naïve me didn’t see the signs that he was controlling. It was his way or the high way. It was a miracle that he never really physically harmed me. His jokes were unfamiliar to me. I never knew if he was serious or just joking. What hurt me the most was the silent treatments I got. I never really knew if he was upset with me or someone else. Things began to be on a need to know basis. Obviously I didn’t need to know a lot. I didn’t know if this was normal for a relationship because this was my first one. If only I waited an extra three months into our relationship to take the next level. If only I had asked more questions about his life. I pretty much poured out information about myself (Thanks ADD!) and waited for him to do the same. It rarely came… once again a need to know basis. It wasn’t until the end that I told him what I thought about that theory, “You fucking don’t care about me!” It finally happened I had enough of the secrecy. So I left the same way I came into the lifestyle with as much belongings I could fit in the suitcase. The only good thing that came out of that relationship was our son. I hope he never forgets me. No matter what anyone says I tried my hardest to keep my chin up and fake the smile on my face.