I tend to overthink. At least that is what I have been told. I am totally okay with that cause its something that I tend to do a lot. As my birthday is coming up that unraveling thought comes to mind. “Did you realize people that you wouldn’t live past your first birthday.” I am almost 40 and it still travels in my head. Taunting me and reminding me that I have had difficulites in my life. I have pushed myself so hard since that November day that I got on the plane. Now I am learning to rest and actually accept that not only am I okay… I am awesome (as many people tell me).
I began this year deciding to take a job training course at the local Goodwill. Than afterwards I felt recharged and ready to find a job. I applied and applied hoping this would be the one. While others spent the winter holidays celebrating I was pushing myself one application at a time. The pressure was on… I had to succeed. I wanted not to be normal… just be me.
Zipfizz was a challenge and I tried my best. My heart was in the background at a counter and checking people in. I became boisturous and loud. The challenge got harder. I finally said my piece in a third person point of view post. I felt the heat to succeed. I pushed the cooler and freezer hoping to chill the water. I set my alarm to get more water. Towards the end I just felt like I was finally getting it. My training wasn’t great and I was on my own. So up with the depression that feeling that I didn’t succeed.
Than I began to think back to early 2017 when I made a silent goal to break 600 followers on Twitter. Even with the challenges I shared with a hope and dream. That maybe someday I could be accepted by some writing community. Never in my wildest dreams would I think I would even get in the thousands. I just had a dream to make a difference and make a dent in my life.
Yes the birth mortality was small when I was born. But I was always determined to make it no matter what. First steps are the hardest. Trust me. But when you can take that first step the others happen gradually.
I dreamed and prayed for a community that would love and acccept me even with my difficulties. Stress and Anxiety can be my friends and help me move towards my goals. I just have to keep on beliving.
My goal for May 4th is to have more than 50 likes or followers on my Facebook Page. I hope someday as my skills improve I will write a book. Until then I will do my best to keep brushing up on my communication skills.
This is how I communicate… through the creative written word of blogging.
With love and respect,