How I want to remember 2018

Focus on this one word: Trying.

If you ask me what I did last year this time I can remember one thing trying to find a job. I had flown into Seattle the week before Thanksgiving and was trying to find my way around Everett. My best friend drove to pick me up after I had flown in from Dubai. It was a long flight and I still could feel the excitement of seeing her after over 4 years of being apart. I can’t remember a lot of the details, yet I can remember the faint taste of Ivar’s Clam Chowder on my lips after so many years of dreaming of that familiar taste and surrounding. I was home.

After many years of the same enjera and waat. Lentils and boiled milk. I will say the thought of any kind of juice sounded wonderful and a Starbucks mocha or Chai Latte was breathtaking. I was walking through the supermarket and realizing that there was cheese, meats, and a variety of desserts all for the picking. Overwhelming as it was it was also a relief to know that I could finally have a sandwich with the fixings. That most drinks had free refills. Oh and the fruit it would bring me almost to tears internally because I knew that the apple would be sweet and tasty. I was a child in a candy store with all the diversity at my fingertips and eyeballs.

To this day I tend to eat a lot of things in fear of not being able to see or eat them again. Chips and sweets are my weakness. The past thoughts of not being able to afford food until the next grocery trip is something that still haunts my mind to this day.  I tend to make a small carton of ice cream last for at least 4 days because I am of those thoughts in my mind. It wasn’t that food was my enemy. No, no it was my friend but the fear of not being able to afford it now that was my true enemy.

I have been dealing with the anxiety that is connected with my PTSD from my divorce. I can tell you it is not easy. I take something to relax me at night so I can sleep. That doesn’t mean that the fearful thoughts don’t cross my dreams. I tend to listen to music, read a book, or watch something to distract me so I can relax and sleep at night. The hardest part is not knowing anything about my son. I dream at night wondering if the email I sent his father would be responded. Is he okay? How is he doing in school? What is his favorite subject? Things like that. I wonder if he even wants to talk to me. The last time I physically saw him was October 5th, 2013.

Everything I do from my writing to taking care of myself I do it with him in my mind. Yes I do it for myself, yet I want to be stronger so when I do see him he will see the eyes of a person who has loved him from the moment I knew I was pregnant with him. Each meal I cook I hope someday to share with him. I always hope that someday he will read my words and understand that I was a human being that loved him from the bottom of my heart. I have always wanted what was best for him. Even if we were separated by miles of land. He was always in my heart and mind.

So if I was going to describe 2018 it was the year of trying new things. Cooking, food, drinks, and most importantly taking care of me

5 comments

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