Are you there? Yes, I am here. I have been working so hard, yet feel so content. If you had asked me what I would be doing in October I would have said I don’t know. Tomorrow will be another milestone for me and I am proud of myself for stepping up to the challenge. What is that challenge you might be asking? Living, breathing, and finding myself.
I started two posts this year that I have yet to finish. I was just looking at them and was on the edge of deleting them and just starting from scratch. I mean that is a huge theme of my blog Starting Over. It is not easy. I am not deleting them though. Perhaps one of these days I will actually finish them. Who knows. “Molly” as I am known as at work is someone who smiles and puts every cell of her being into making a difference each day. Being a cashier is a lot of work. Guess what no matter what is going on I am thankful to God for providing me a job. I could still be searching for a job online and wondering what is going to happen the next day. I can say without a doubt there is never a dull moment in my life. There is always something different happening each day. With a smile on my face and face the public one day at a time.
I have the offline music that I listen to while riding the bus to work. I am not a big fan of earbuds, yet I am learning to adjust to it. Until the day when I can confidently find the right pair. Honestly, I have been through 2 pairs this year and I am trying not to give up on finding the right pair. I still use my Calm app to help me sleep at night. When I am one of the closer I use it to help me relax after I get home from work. I also watch videos to help me relax and learn about life. Yes, I am still taking the advice of watching how people live and learn how to personalize it in my life. I can add physical therapy to my activities during the week. Twice a week I spend an hour or so strengthening my body. It is not easy, but who says life is easy? I can proudly say I can bend a little more without too much pain. That is a huge thing. My personal goal is to be strong enough for the holiday shopping season.
Well, it’s been a few weeks since I began this post. One new thing is that I have been doing my physical therapy for a month or so now. I found out that today was my last appointment and that the next one will be my discharge from this round of physical therapy to strengthen my back. It feels like my week has been busy balancing work and my downtime between physical therapy. Honestly it has not been easy. I do my best each week.
It has taken me a few weeks or months to finish this post. I have had to push away my anxiety about what other people think about my life. I have to remember that people are proud of me for what all I have accomplished since I have gotten back from Ethiopia. Each day I wake up a new days is an accomplishment in my life. Finding a job that I am good at and doing my best each day is another accomplishment. Keeping on a medicine schedule is something that is a big accomplishment. Recently I bought myself some shoes that I normally would have to ask my mom about. Yeah shopping and finding things that make me feel comfortable is a huge milestone.
As you can tell I sometimes repeat myself when I am writing. I feel like it is part of my ADD that loses track where I end and begin. So I go back to where I thought I was making a point and try to complete that thought. One point I want to make is that my blog is a journal of my healing journey. There are days when I didn’t follow the number one rule of he internet which is don’t read the comments. Well when I go through to make sure they are clean I tend to see the occassional thought that I was using my blog as a way of getting attention. I have to say that shocks me because if they truly knew who I was that not what I am doing. I have played around with the idea of upgrading to a premium account in which I could earn money by blogging. Oh boy that is awfully tempting. But than I wonder who would like to pay me for my thoughts. Surely not those trolls who say hurtful things. Than I think back to when I started my Facebook page. The one before this one. I worked hard to find things to post about. Than after I while I wondered why bother nobody cares. Naturally that is my depression talking trying to put me down.
This is how I feel when I am trying to push the thoughts in my head. I have to move this huge bolder of thoughts and tell myself that yes I can do things. I mean I have weekly posted on my 52 weeks challenge explaining my thoughts and dreams that relate to my trying to take care of myself. Self Care is a lot harder than most people think. Just taking myself out to eat is a good thing. I rarely splurge on things without feeling guilty about it and wondering if it was worth it.
Many times I wish I was still that girl who loved listening to 90’s music and didn’t care what people thought of her. She smiled and rocked out without a care of what others thought. As I am typing I began playing some of those songs and gave myself permission to just say what I feel without dealing with the depression filter in my head. That is what depression and anxiety is a writer’s block that falls down on floor causing the thoughts to stop in their tracks and edited because you don’t want to offended anyone. When I tell people about my days before I left for Ethiopia it is my way of explaining this journey that I have been on. It is not easy getting up each day and remembering to take my medicine so I can just function. I had to stop shaming myself for wearing a sports bra because I didn’t like the feeling my body felt more comfortable with how it feels versus a regular bra. I have some clothes that are more comfortable than others because if I don’t feel comfortable than I don’t think about things that others might think are not trivial. I sometimes want to say have you stepped in my shoes? Do you know what goes on in my head? Do you realize that I wear short hair because my mind is more on getting to work on time and than wondering if my hair is done just right.
Yes ladies and gentleman that is just a peek into my mind. But each day I go to work I have a smile on my face and ready to serve other people. Because I want to make a difference.
Now I am closing this post with a simple thought. What can you to brighten another person’s days. Can you be the smile that they might be craving from another? Each day I have to tell myself that I am not a burden. I am someone that is making another’s person’s life better. One bag at a time. Want more motivation or words of encouragement? Or just something different from the everyday? Come to Sara Gamachu. I have 67 supporters we just need to reach 100 or more to build a community. Stand up and be counted. Let others know that they are not alone in this journey called life.